Some Humor

SOME HUMOR

VALUABLE LESSONS FROM OUR PARENTS

All the things my mother taught me:

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

FLEXIBILITY - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - Stop acting like your father!"

What my father taught me:

LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."

IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry out."

OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate!!!"

THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

THE GEOTHERMICS OF HELL

Who says religion and science aren't compatible???

The following is an actual question posed on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep

withyou.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.

............................................

'Twas the Month After Christmas

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared,
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt.

I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"

So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie--not even a lick,
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
But isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

ODD SIGNS

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:

PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:

HORSE MANURE: 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG, 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:

THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.

(THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

English sign in a German cafe:

MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.

WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:

THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.

IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED.

OPEN TOMORROW.

Outside a photographer's studio:

OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:

SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.

NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a disco:

SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.

EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign warning of quicksand:

QUICKSAND.

ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.

BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:

DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS

WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:

ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.

Sign on motorway garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH, BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT:

THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.

(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:

BEWARE!

I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER.

PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

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