More Zen and Buddhist Jokes



A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you." So I didn't.



"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around chinatown."

- Woody Allen.


Some people think that Buddhist practice and meditation are about stopping thoughts. As the saying goes, if that were true, a coconut would be enlightened..... Let's remember that upon attaining enlightenment the Buddha smiled. This is very important. He didn't have to smile. He could have grimaced or remained neutral, but he smiled..... After reading Milarepa 25 times I had the insight that Mila was in fact a comedian.

- Prof Robert Thurman, talking in Cleveland.


Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.

-- Laurie Anderson


What is nirvana?

"Nothing happens next. This is it." said the old monk to the young one.


"Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before."


"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."

-- Gautama Buddha




"Hell was OK, until some wise guy went to heaven and came back."

-- Buddhadasa Bhikkhu



Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?

A: Because they have no attachments.




I'd like to

Offer something

To help you

But in the Zen School

We don't have a single thing!


-- Zen Master Ikkyu




Buddha's last words: "Decay is inherent in all compounded things. Strive unceasingly."


Buddha stated the second law of thermodynamics. His inherent understanding still amazes me.


- William A. Russell



Moments of Zen


The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.



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