Inner Light: Meeting the Master
9.2.05
So far in this web site, I notice I have avoided sharing anything of a very personal nature. Most of the works here are either intuitive poems or fictional short stories.
Since I met Osho back in 1974, I find that in certain circles I am considered to be something like a rare antique or a nearly extinct dinosaur. Many of Osho’s disciples never met him. I, on the other hand, had many experiences with him, a living enlightened master. Over the years I was blessed to have been, among other things, sitting in his daily discourses, working in his personal library in his home, helping as one of his mediums during the energy darshans, and actually living in his home for a period of time.
Recently two different publishers, and other groups, have requested I share some stories of what it was like being with Osho. So I began writing about some things for them. After that I got to thinking why not also share something here, in my own web site?
So anyway, here is one story, out of so many.
The moment I set foot in Pune, India, I could feel Osho’s presence. The closer I got to the commune, the stronger this energy became. So before I actually met Osho, I knew this was going to be something rare and unusual. It was an indescribable “something,” an overwhelmingly soft, yet also powerful, energy. I later heard him call this energy field around an enlightened master “a buddha field.”
When I went to my first darshan, which comprised a small group of visitors sitting with him on his back porch, I surprised myself by giving a huge belly laugh! Just seeing him sitting there, in person, was wondrous!
Osho also gave a chuckle, and then he said to my husband and me, “Come here. I have been waiting for you for a long time! I have your names already!”
We sat at his feet, and he placed a mala around our necks, giving us our new names. My new name was Ma Prem Anupama,which means "unique love." He asked me if it was easy to pronounce. I tried to say “Anupama” but I kept getting it a bit off. I said “Anu-PAM-a.” Then he corrected me, saying “A-NU-pama.” It took me three times to get it right. Finally he told me that “in three months you will be a completely different person.” After that, Osho always called me by the nickname of "Anupam."
Then a few days later I had my second darshan with Osho.
During our conversation Osho said, “Tomorrow morning I want you to do Dynamic Meditation. And when you come to the “Hoo Stage,” I want you to jump up and down very hard onto your heels. Do it with your total energy. And I want you to get angry.”
“OK,” I answered.
“Good, Anupam,” he said.
So the next morning I awoke nice and early, and went to do Dynamic Meditation. I did it with my total energy: I jumped down hard on my heels, and I felt angry. Next came the shout, “Freeze!”
I froze.
Then it happened. I felt nauseated. I thought I was going to throw up and have diarrhea, both at the same time. I felt scared. What would other people think? Then I remembered Osho. I stayed with it. I didn’t move.
With my eyes still closed, suddenly, out of the darkness appeared a tiny golden-white light. The light came closer and closer to me. It actually felt as if I were traveling through a dark tunnel, towards the light. I really couldn’t tell if the light was moving towards me, or if I was moving towards it. As it approached, it became brighter and brighter. The brightness became more than I could bear. It was blinding me. I opened my eyes. Yet, to my surprise, I couldn’t see anything. I was blind!
I was having my first encounter with The Inner Light.
Next thing I knew, I was waking up on the ground, lying in a small puddle of muddy water. I don’t remember falling, although it must have been during the last stage of the meditation, when everybody lies down on their backs. Everything was a blank at that point. But “something” had happened.
By the end of the meditation, I had regained my eyesight. However, for several days afterwards, I was unable to function. All I can remember is lying on the hotel bed, laughing, going in and out of consciousness. This went on for nearly a week. I honestly cannot remember very much from that period of time. I think I may have attended some of Osho’s discourses. I also remember my husband and friends hanging out in the hotel room, talking. When I would regain consciousness, they would laugh and I was given food. I remember everything seemed funny to me. I spoke hardly at all. Most of the time I was in some altered state, as if asleep. By the end of that week, I had to relearn how to walk around on my own and adjust to the outside world. I felt like I had been reborn. I was again, a child. I felt completely open and vulnerable. Yet, with help, I adjusted.
I never mentioned this experience to Osho. I figured the meditation experience was simply the beginning of a lifelong journey into the mysteries of Existence. I did, however, feel immense gratitude for my master, his energy, and his love. He was always there, to give me love and support, and to answer my questions.
Often times, during later visits, he would send Vivek (his caretaker) or someone else, to ‘see if I was all right.” Somehow he always knew when I needed him.
When my first three weeks in Pune came to an end, I reluctantly returned home to California. Osho had invited us to return soon, and frankly, I couldn’t wait to do so. I returned to my teaching job in a nearby community college. I truly did feel already like a different person, even though the three months were not yet completed. I felt as though some of Osho’s energy had entered into me. I felt like he was emanating from inside me.
My first day back teaching, I walked into the teaching lab. The first thing I heard anyone say to me was, “What happened to you?!! You’re different!”
I simply smiled, and said, “I took Sannyas!”
So that was how I met the master.
copyright Anupama Deanne Kallman
music playing is "Deeper" - live, by Miten
An elaboration of this story has been published by VIHA Connection: The World of Osho, in a special edition on esoterics, Nov/Dec 2005, volume XVIII SIX. The article is entitled "Encountering the Inner Light" by Ma Prem Anupama. Cost per copy is $8 and includes mailing.
What is Osho Dynamic Meditation?
Other Osho Meditations: The Self-Sufficient Meditator
Kundalini rising too fast?
Going nuts on you?
Are you afraid you are going crazy?
If so, Please read the section on Spiritual Emergency/Emergence
Transformation Tarot
Gates of Heaven
The samurai's pride
Heaven and hell are not geographical, they are psychological, they are your psycho-logy. Heaven and hell are not at the end of your life, they are here and now. Every moment the door opens; every moment you go on wavering between heaven and hell. It is a moment-to-moment question, it is urgent; in a single moment you can move from hell to heaven, from heaven to hell.
Hell and heaven are within you. The doors are very close to each other: with the right hand you can open one, with the left hand you can open another. With just a change of your mind, your being is transformed --from heaven to hell and from hell to heaven. Whenever you act unconsciously, without awareness, you are in hell; when-ever you are conscious, whenever you act with full awareness, you are in heaven.
The Zen master Hakuin is one of the rare flowerings. A warrior came to him, a samurai, a great soldier, and he asked "Is there any hell, is there any heaven? If there is hell and heaven, where are the gates? Where do I enter from? How can I avoid hell and choose heaven?"
He was a simple warrior. A warrior is always simple; otherwise he cannot be a warrior. A warrior knows only two things, life and death--his life is always at stake, he is always gambling; He is a simple man. He had not come to learn any doctrine. He wanted to know where the gate was so he could avoid hell and enter heaven. And Hakuin replied in a way only a warrior could understand.
What did Hakuin do? He said, "Who are you?"
And the warrior replied, "I am a samurai."
It is a thing of much pride to be a samurai in Japan. It means being a perfect warrior, a man who will not hesitate a single moment to give his life. For him, life and death are just a game. He said, "I am a samurai, I am a leader of samurais. Even the emperor pays respect to me."
Hakuin laughed and said, " You, a samurai? You look like a beggar."
The samurai's pride was hurt, his ego hammered. He forgot what he had come for. He took out his sword and was just about to kill Hakuin. He forgot that he had come to this master to ask where is the gate of heaven, to ask where is the gate of hell.
Hakuin laughed and said, "This is the gate of hell. With this sword, this anger, this ego, here opens the gate." This is what a warrior can understand. Immediately he understood: This is the gate. He put his sword back in its sheath.
And Hakuin said, "Here opens the gate of heaven."
Hell and heaven are within you, both gates are within you. When you are behaving unconsciously there is the gate of hell; when you become alert and conscious, there is the gate of heaven.
What happened to this samurai? When he was just about to kill Hakuin, was he conscious? Was he conscious of what he was about to do? Was he conscious of what he had come for? All consciousness had disappeared. When the ego takes over, you cannot be alert. Ego is the drug, the intoxicant that makes you completely unconscious. You act but the act comes from the unconscious, not from your consciousness. And whenever any act comes from the unconscious, the door of hell is open. Whatsoever you do, if you are not aware of what you are doing the gate of hell opens.
Immediately the samurai became alert. Suddenly, when Hakuin said, "This is the gate, you have already opened it"-- the very situation must have created alertness. A single moment more and Hakuin's head would have been severed; a single moment more and it would have been separated from the body. And Hakuin said, "This is the gate of hell."
This is not a philosophical answer; no master answers in a philosophical way. Philosophy exists only for mediocre, unenlightened minds. The master responds but the response is not verbal, it is total. That this man may have killed him is not the point. "If you kill me and it makes you alert, it is worth it"--Hakuin played the game.
This must have happened to the warrior--stopped, sword in hand with Hakuin just before him--the eyes of Hakuin were laughing, the face was smiling, and the gate of heaven opened. He understood: the sword went back into its sheath. While putting the sword back into the sheath he must have been totally silent, peaceful. The anger had disappeared, the energy moving in anger had become silence.
If you suddenly awake in the middle of anger, you will feel a peace you have never felt before. Energy was moving and suddenly it stops--you will have silence, immediate silence. You will fall into your inner being and the fall will be so sudden, you will become aware.
It is not a slow fall, it is so sudden that you cannot remain unaware. You can remain unaware only with routine things, with gradual things; you move so slowly you can't feel movement. This was sudden movement-- from activity to no-activity, from thought to no-thought, from mind to no-mind. As the sword was going back into its sheath, the warrior realized. And Hakuin said, "Here open the doors of heaven."
Silence is the door. Inner peace is the door. Nonviolence is the door. Love and compassion are the doors.
Copyright © 2005 Osho International Foundation
anupama@ahastories.com
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