painting: "Angel of Death"
HELP!
(A True Story)
6.21.05
She had just been through some terrifying experiences in her life. Whether or not they were real or imagined, really no longer mattered to her. Pushing her beyond her normal reality, her world became fourth and fifth dimensional experiences. Walls and floors had rolled like ocean waves. Electric lights had flashed on and off in synchronicity with her thoughts. Machines had mirrored her emotions and thoughts, cooperating when she had been positive, malfunctioning when negative. Even the weather had reflected her fear back to herself. It had hailed and rained as she felt terror, and then anger, towards those she had feared.
When her fear had reached it's peak, it transformed into anger. Once the anger was fully experienced, it had changed into humor.
That was when she "got it."
She laughed.
The hail then turned into clear blue skies.
It was funny!
How humorous to finally see that one had some control over circumstances. Yes, it had been shown to her directly. She had seen directly into Existence. Whatever she felt and thought, was instantaneously synchronized with, and reflected by, matter.
Her mind had been blown.
"All I have to do is turn Fear into Fun!" she had realized that day.
Yet, as she would soon see, realization was one thing; practical application was another.She had learned this difficult lesson consciously. But had she internalized it? Had it reached to her subconscious mind? In other words, had she "become it?"
She had been afraid to go to sleep, for the first time in her life. She had always enjoyed sleeping. Yet, for weeks, she had been afraid to let go into sleep. Her fear had reached it's peak. There was no safe place left in her life. At least if she were awake, she felt she had some chance to ward off an attack. She now feared "the invisible," the psychic abilities of those with powers and ill intent. Someone was out to get her.
She had lived a lifetime hiding from what she perceived as the "Dark Side." She had spent a lifetime fearing The Dark, both within and without. Suddenly the Dark Side had taken over. It had finally taken it's revenge. It became her totality. It loomed over her, no matter what she did. There was no longer any escape. She experienced her Terror Fully.
She went to bed that night, finally falling into a slumber around 4am. She slept like a baby.
Her husband awoke her at 7am, gave her a kiss goodby, and left for work, as he usually did. She heard the back door open and close, as he left. It was daylight. She felt safe. She went back to sleep.
Around 7:05, she heard the back door re-open, and heard footsteps walk into the house. A dark cloaked figure stood by her bed. Although she couldn't see him, she sensed his presence. His identity was veiled, shrouded in darkness. He was dressed in a black robe with a hood over his head. The figure stood silently by her side.
Her back was turned toward the dark figure.
She tried to turn over to see who it was. Yet, to her anguish, she found she was paralyzed with fear. She was unable to move her body. It was frozen in the prenatal position, back turned toward her assailant.
Next she felt a scream of terror well up inside herself. She tried with all her might to open her mouth and scream like bloody murder. Yet, she was left with her inner scream bursting inside. She was unable to open her mouth, nor make a sound.
With all of her might, over and over, she tried to scream, "Help!!!!"
She remained silent and still. She had no choice. Something had happened to her.
She was unable to move.
The dark cloaked figure remained by her side.
He also was silent. He also remained unmoving.
For how long this continued, she couldn't tell.
The Fearful and The Feared remained in this strange frozen communion,
connectedness, in a timeless space. There was simply silence and togetherness.
It felt like an Eternity.
Then suddenly, she heard footsteps walking back through the house, and out the back door. She heard the back door open and shut.
She could move again.
Her heart was beating very fast. She had faced her greatest fear. She had met Fear directly, unable to defend herself.
And Fear had been Compassionate.
In fact, Fear had actually mirrored her; it had remained silent and still.
They had communed in a still silent space, beyond time.
She felt like crying. Her heart felt as if it would burst with joy and love. She felt as if she had been saved, protected, even. The pains she had carried in her heart had miraculously disappeared.
Fear had loved her enough to approach and reveal his True Nature.
He had turned out to be a protective figure. He had come to make sure she was ok.
Once more, on a much deeper level, her mind had been blown.
Later, after work that night, she asked her husband if he had forgotten something that morning.
"Did you come back into the house a second time before you went to work?" she asked.
"No. Why?" her husband answered.
"Someone came into the house right after you left, and stood next to the bed," she answered.
"I was so afraid, I couldn't move or call out for help. I was hoping it was you."
"Nope," he replied, "You must have been dreaming."
That was when she realized that Blessings come in strange, unexpected packages. This experience had changed her forever.
Gift wrapped in the Cloak of Death, disguised as The Dark,
Compassionate Love had paid her a visit that morning.
Neatly tied with the ribbons of duality,
he had silently gifted her with The Secret of Infinity,
and she would never foget.
copyright Anupama Deanne Kallman 2005
